My wife and I watch the Oscars every year, and we chat about which dresses and tuxes we like and which we don’t. She knows waaay more about fashion than I do. I know virtually nothing except that I can identify a wide variety of women’s shoes. (Slingbacks, kitten heels, open-toed pumps — don’t even get me started.) We dutifully watched the 90th Oscars last night, and I give you now my best-ofs in my own categories.

Best-Dressed Woman — I have to go with Nicole Kidman, who wowed in a gorgeous blue number, the ginormous bow and all.

Best-Dressed Man — Black Panther‘s Chadwick Bozeman, for sure. So cool. So very, very cool.

Worst-Dressed Woman — At first I thought, Oh, it’s Emily Blunt, who I think is marvelous, but she sure missed last night. Then I saw someone named St. Vincent, who is apparently a singer. I don’t know why she hung luggage on her shoulder, but I wish she hadn’t.

Worst-Dressed Man — Armie Hammer. Armie, really? Red velvet?

Best Necklace — Gal Gadot. Is it ga-doh or ga-dot? I have no clue, but that necklace was somethin’ else.

Best Red — Allison Janney, who looked “stunnnn-nnniiinnnggg,” according to the E! team, who used the term like 87 times

Best Blue — Nicole Kidman again, though Jennifer Garner’s blue was beautiful as well

Best Use of Black — Hands down, Lupita Nyong’o, who always looks elegant

Nicest Try, But Yeah, No — Margot Robbie, with her strikingly square shoulders and a dress that did nothing for her. Her hair looked weird too.

Best Pink — The almost unrecognizable but always lovely Viola Davis

Most Matronly — Maya Rudolph, who looks like she might be pregnant under all that red stuff

Best Balloon Curtains — Andra Day. Nothing more to add.

Best Didn’t Work Then, Doesn’t Work Now — Rita Moreno